I need to be a priority, not an option. That is all

I need someone who loves me the way that I love them
I need someone who desires me the way I desire them
I need someone who takes care of me the way I care for them
I need someone who hurts when I hurt, has my back and stands beside me in all things, supports my dreams, and accepts me for who I am
I need someone who shows me affection, doesn't withhold attention, and puts me above all others including themselves
As I always do for them...

I need a mate, a life long partner, a protector, and a true love that is never-ending, never-changing.
I need to grow old with someone who truly wants to grow old with me, wants to be with me instead of someone who just doesn't prefer to be alone, has grown cold, and wants me only for what I do for them
I need someone to feel I'm worth their everything to keep, to trust, to respect and to be honest with.
I need someone who would give me the world if it were in their power,
The same way I give my all to them and the way I would give them the world if I could.

I want to be someone's lifeline, their anchor, their rock, their wings, and their light in the darkness
I want to be their everything, the one person whom they cannot stand the thought of losing, to be there in sickness and in health until death do us part
And I need someone willing to do the same for me

I need to be cherished and recognized for the precious gift I am and everything I bring to this life, to feel my very existence is honoured and appreciated in the way a woman like me should be
I need someone who says I love you every night and proves it every day

And all I really need in this life is for someone to truly love me for me
But, instead, I exist in my lonely reality

Closer, now...closer... The end is coming.

Nothing in my life *requires* me to do the things I do to help others.

To share, to post, to publish, to edit, to create, to spend countless hours helping others succeed while I stay quietly in the background and do very, very little for myself.

To do resumes, fight back against corruption, stand up for the children and the minorities, the rights of others in life and in the workplace, combat domestic violence and child abuse, mentor and teach and help those who suffer from mental health issues or invisible illnesses, help write letters for people who really should know how to do these things themselves, bust my ass simply because *I know how* and because *I know what it feels like to suffer* and because *I have been there, in that relationship, as the abused woman but managed to find the strength to walk away, once*.

I do these things simply out of the goodness of my big, caring heart.

BUT

When everything I do, the entire way I spend every single day of my shitty existence, starts to become more of a depressing, overwhelming, never feeling good enough for all my efforts thing, then that is when I truly want to just say fuck you, fuck this, and walk away from it all. When I break down, cry—or can't even cry because my heart hurts too damn much, when I fall apart completely and think I just can't take anymore, yes, then I just want to give up on the lot of it.

Yet, stupidly, no matter how hard I am beaten down time and time again, no matter how lonely, unloved and unappreciated I continue to feel, regardless of the fact I spend my days and nights in constant pain, overwhelmed with trying to get everything done that everyone needs, forcing myself to forgo sleep, food, time with my children, social shit, and all the rest including suffering quietly from a debilitating invisible illness—or two, in fact, a complete lack of affection, intimate relationships...a human touch, I still pick my ass back up, dust myself off, and fight to be more, to be better, to dispel the life-long feeling drilled into me at a young age that I will never be good enough.
I often wonder, though, when the day will come where I am unable to stand up and fight to keep going. When will be that final time where I will just give up for good? I see that day on the horizon lately, more and more.

The end is coming.

To speak up or not to speak up...

So, to speak up or not to speak up, that is the question. If you've been biting your tongue for months on several things just to avoid conflict, but suppressing the feelings and pushing it all down deep in your tummy to the point it's making you feel emotionally and physically ill, what do you do? Especially when it seems when you do say anything it's not received very well which just adds guilt to the mix that you've said anything at all.

I wanna be free to express how I feel without it being ignored or belittled.
I want the little things like someone saying thanks when I do something I truly don't have to but just because someone's had a long day and my instinct is to help ease the burden of things that must get done that night.
I want to feel appreciated, not like what I do is an expectation.
I want to know romance isn't entirely dead.
I want to feel like I matter just a little bit to someone and that I don't always come in dead last in the level of importance in life.
I want to know that how I think and feel does matter, that promises will be kept, and consideration for my shortcomings aren't a damn joke to be used against be for the amusement of others. 
I want a true apology when someone has done something to upset me, and to not be just expected to "let it go" and forget about it. I need a certain type of closure on some things before I can truly move on from it.  
I want to know that someone realizes I'm in their life because I choose to be, not because I have to be. I want the respect I feel is due me for my contributions, the respect that I'm there doing things right by their side even though sometimes I shouldn't because it causes me physical pain. I want to know that I exist aside from the person who is just there to do it all.

I need touch, affection, attention, and comfort. 
I need to feel like I'm a priority in life, not just an option. 
I need to be shown I actually matter. 
I need more than just those three little words that seem so damn empty because the actions aren't there to back it up.

The Pain Of Being A Parent...

For the first time in my life I really understand a parent's necessity to give their child "tough love" in order to help them grow into a proper, responsible adult. To teach them what they really need to know to survive in this world. To risk the hate of a child upon his mother over material things. Crazy isn't it?
This knowledge certainly doesn't make it any easier to do what I had to do, nor does it take away the pain. It was time, that's all, to teach my son life's lesson that everything cannot be given on a silver platter his whole life.
I made mistakes in his upbringing, so many in fact, but I'm done paying the price and feeling the never ending guilt over things I cannot change when I can no longer give all that I am to see to his happiness. Goddess knows I tried. I'm simply tapped out.
He's out on his own, now, has been for a year, but I've just kept going, giving him everything he asked for and more. Doing it all for him to my own detriment, physical illness, and to his as well I realize now.  It's time for him to do it himself and stop expecting so much of mom. I just can't anymore, no matter how much I long to give him all that he wants. 
Life makes hard decisions necessary and parents need to step back so kids can grow. This doesn't mean that I love him any less than I did before. In fact, it actually means I am forcing myself to let go so I can trust and respect him more.
Hopefully, in time, the pain will lessen. Until then, from now on, I'll suffer in silence as I always have before.
I can only hope that one day he will see the why of it all and stop disrespecting me. I pray he'll realize why I had to step up as a parent this time and put a halt to it all. I couldn't keep going and just letting everything pass each time.
Blessed be, my child. You are, and always will be my light, my first born son, but now I must let you go. Goddess be with you on your journey. I love you.

I would rather be, anyone but me...

I would rather go thirsty, then drink from the beds of fluid tainted by an uncaring hand.

I would rather go untouched, then allow myself to feel only the emptiness that is offered me.

I would rather starve, then feed upon the scraps carelessly tossed my way without thought or feeling.

I would rather die, then live in the coldness of this shadow cast upon me.

All Rights Reserved. Gina Kincade 2013  

Appreciate The Little Things

Just because I hide my tears, doesn't mean I don't cry.
Just because I hide the pain, doesn't mean I do not hurt.
Just because I smile on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not sad.
Just because I talk to people every day, does not mean I am not lonely.
Just because I stand and fight, doesn't mean I'm not afraid.
Just because they are not visible,  doesn't mean my scars aren't real.
Just because I cry out for help, doesn't mean I'll ever find someone to save me.

All Rights Reserved. Gina Kincade 2012

What you see isn't always what is real. Many people who suffer, do so in silence.  We hide behind ourselves, hoping to one day be free, to heal, to be happy, to smile for real. For some of us that day may never come.

Try to appreciate the little things in life.  Realize that no matter what you may go through, it could be worse.  

You could be one of us.

All photos are copyrighted by their original owners.  This blog or its owner take no ownership of the images used in this post.

Self-preservation...

I crave, I cave.
I need, I want.
I fear, I hurt.
I am weak, I fail.
I can't help myself, I love.

I'm afraid to let go, I must though.
Instinctual, internal.
Conflict.

All Rights Reserved. Gina Kincade. 2012